[Anonymous]

[Charles-P]

Returning from London yesterday to Antwerp on the London City to Antwerp service by CityJet on the Fokker 50 we all had the full experience of what my wife calls the “New York Princess”.

It started at London City where two loud American women with strong New York accents spent their wait telling each other in loud voices all that was wrong with – the UK, the British Monarchy, British food, the airport, the staff and the weather. We then moved to the gate and there the fun really began,

“O MY GOD ! This plane has got like windmill engines, is it safe ?”

“Jesus we have to like walk to the plane and up those little steps, where’s the Godam airbridge buddy?”

There was a few moments of quiet as they tucked into the large family bar of chocolate they had each bought together with cans of Coke and other assorted sugar. They both managed the stupendous task of dragging their 150 kilo carcases up the steps and into the aircraft where I heard the Captain say quietly to one of the cabin crew in Dutch “put those two in the centre of the cabin”. Clearly he had a view of trim settings for the future flight.

There was a little turbulence on take off resulting in cries of,
“Can’t this guy fly properly ?” later followed by,
“O look a little ocean”

As we began our decent into Antwerp and the seat belt sign was switched on naturally one of them needed to visit the lavatory so an argument with the cabin crew ensued. We now have a flight of people all hating these two individuals and simply wanting to land and get out of earshot however at this point the God of revenge granted us all a just reward for our patience as we heard one say to the other,

“Once we land we have to go straight to the international terminal for the American Airways flight, we’ve only got 30 minutes”

To a man everybody on the flight smiled at one another, we had all come to the same conclusion at the same time. These two thought they were flying into Brussels International, they do not realise that Antwerp is a different city at least an hour away by taxi (on a good day) from Brussels. I smiled at the cabin crew, she smiled at me and her face said, “YES !”

At Antwerp as I walked to my car I heard the exclamation that I knew was coming,

“What the hell do you mean a different airport ?”

Bliss 🙂

[SimonS1]

“O MY GOD ! This plane has got like windmill engines, is it safe ?”

Were they related to Marcus?

[NameRemoved-18/12/14]

Simply superb Charles-P!!

[esselle]

“……….why did they build Windsor Castle under the flightpath…………”

[AnthonyDunn]

Priceless. I imagine that you will be chuckling at the recollection of this for years to come…

[canucklad]

Brilliant Charles-P

Having watched many a British person on Pointless , Mastermind or many other quiz shows make a total idiot of themselves when answering geography questions, see below for some belters……
.
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What’s the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world’s largest continent?
A: The Pacific

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

I’m reluctant to bash our cousins from across the pond, having said that they really do stupidity with a panache that others can’t hope to match. My personal moments of , did they really just say that, and in no particular order…….

1) On an AC flight from LAX to YYZ in early September the captain announced that Toronto was enjoying a beautifully sunny day with temperatures in the mid 20’s. Panic ensues amongst our southern brethren as they “GASP loudly” and proclaim Canada to be a barren artic wasteland, and cursing the need to now purchase winter clothing.
2) My police friend on his beat on George Street, in Edinburgh is approached by a rather large fella wearing shorts ,sandals and white socks…….” Ehhh Sir, me and my wife are arguing about that country over on the other side of that sea ( Now pointing to Fife on the side of the Forth) I say its France !! ….You’re correct sir ,it is !!
3) Talking to the head of an American bank whilst transiting through MSP…..what brings you to Minneapolis. I’m on the way back to Scotland after visiting my mum in Vancouver…….Puzzled look, followed by the bombshell question……” Vancouver? that’s near Toronto ?”
4) The Edinburgh classic about us being clever enough to build a famous tourist attraction in the middle of the city centre!

[Poshgirl58]

There is a god after all! Haven’t stopped laughing since reading this an hour ago. Working from home today so colleagues not giving me strange looks.

[canucklad]

And I’ve missed the obvious……
In the UK we call “Deutschland “ Germany, “Italia” Italy and of course “Espanya” is Spain.
If Scotland was to vote “Yes” I fear that our man in Washington would have to endure being welcomed into official functions as the “Ambassador from SCOTCHland “

[Senator]

Good, now we can have some light banter here. Excellent story @Charles_P, thanks for sharing. Having lived in the US for seven years (and I do have many great American friends) I have been privy to this level of knowledge for a long time.

Two true stories from my time working for a large American tech company near Stuttgart (that is Germany folks) in the late 90s.

One rather posh British, Oxbridge-sounding colleague was taking a taxi home his first weekend in Stuttgart. The taxi driver asked where he was going. The reply is priceless as all he could remember was the light-blue sign pointing on his street. “Please take me to Einbahnstrasse 169” (that is One-Way Street 169) for those with no German skills.

Another American visitor wondered where the city “Ausfahrt” was as all signs were pointing to it..

[Charles-P]

Here’s a few of mine from over the years:

A Spanish tourist in Paris – “where iz the Eiffel Tower” ? He was standing under it

An Australian taxi driver – “You a pom”?
“No a Rhodesian but I used to live in the UK”
“How does that work”?

Reaction of an American tourist to the Manneken Pis in Brussels – “Honey that is disgusting, report it to the police”

Helping a UK family on a flight to Orlando Florida – “Can we use Pounds in America” ?
“No, you will have to change them to US Dollars”
“I thought that’s what Americans called Pounds… or is that just in Canada ?”

An American woman hearing my wife speak French to our children and me speak English – “How do they know which language is which” ?

Finally what may have been either the stupidest man I ever saw. A few years ago when the French were disliked in the US (Bush in power, Freedom fries etc etc) I saw a French businessman tell a US immigration official at Houston Airport to – “Go f@#$ yourself”

It’s possible his cavity search has still not been completed.

Have a nice weekend everyone/

[esselle]

Lived in NYC for a couple of years. My neighbours wanted to know if I had met the Queen.

[Gin&Tonic]

One more;
Many years ago (before the channel tunnel) my wife and I are in London having a McBreakfast when a married American couple sit next to us and begin to chat. They are on the usual tour of Europe when they tell us that this morning they had driven from France. Early starts then I ask, no not really just left an hour ago. But you cannot get here that fast on Ferry or Hovercraft. No we used the bridge.
My wife points out there is no bridge “walk away dear walk away” we still have no idea where they believed they had been! I couldn’t have kept a straight face had we stayed to listen.

[Gold-2K]

I have a work colleague based in Sydney. His uncle is a taxi driver. His favourite story (probably claimed by every taxi driver in Sydney) is he picked up an American businessman at international arrivals. The passenger said “take me to the other side of the island”. The driver asked for clarification as they were not on an island, to which the passenger replied “I need to go to Perth”.

Could anyone really be that dumb? Probably related to the dynamic duo in Antwerp!!!

[Poshgirl58]

A friend who holidayed frequently in Majorca with her parents could not understand why it was surrounded by water, as she always thought it was mainland Spain. Slightly deviating from the main topic. Sitting in over-wing seats on a Monarch A321, cabin crew were released while we were still climbing out of BHX, man across aisle asked when the noise would stop as it was hurting his wife’s ears. Without a flicker, he received the reply “it will stop soon sir”. The obvious answer was avoided.

[Author]

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