Even as technology, combined with changing social mores, revolutionises the way people interact, the basic rule of “think before you act” still applies. Christina Kautzky reports
As personal and professional lives grow more hectic and technology becomes the chosen form of communication, has everyone forgotten their manners? From invites and thank-you notes to making a good impression when on business trips in another country, etiquette and social graces are the key to success – in life and in business.
The first rule to learn, says Peter Post, the great-grandson of the famed mother of etiquette, Emily Post, is “think before you act”. He adds: “Not thinking before one acts is the biggest mistake that people make by far. If you are rude, you have to apologise and you have to recover. But if you had thought a bit at first about how what you do affects others, you would have changed your actions and wouldn’t have to go through this process.”
This applies to social mores, situations requiring cultural sensitivity, as well as workplace interaction. In a fast-paced world, off-the-cuff remarks, emails and reactions can become commonplace, often to the detriment of a relationship.
Effects of technology
There has been a focus recently on the effects of technology on the way that people interact, and questions raised about whether this is helpful or harmful. Post says emailing is certainly acceptable, but at varying levels of significance, different rules apply. “If you are emailing for a quick answer, you don’t need a spell check,” he adds. But, when emailing a boss or prospective client, “the email should read well and be checked for spelling and grammar, and particularly tone as that comes across much more to the person receiving the email than to the person writing it”.
Post says that generally, “email should be seen as a public form of communication”. And as such, “anytime you would be embarrassed or feel uncomfortable putting (that message) on a piece of paper and posting it on a bulletin board, that is when it should be face to face” or over the phone.
Texting, according to Post, is equally appropriate for quick notes, but “where it gets dangerous is to the exclusion of speaking to someone. Don’t let (email or texting) supplant that.”
Where technology should absolutely not be used, he says, are situations “where you are firing someone. To do that without the courtesy of speaking to them is unacceptable.” The same goes for the ending of a company’s contractual relationship with a client or supplier.
When moving beyond work-related emails into invitations and thank-you notes, “E-vites are perfectly appropriate for more informal occasions”. However, for a dinner on short notice, Post says the telephone may work better as it is more personal. Likewise, thank-you notes can be sent electronically if the invite was received that way, but nothing replaces a handwritten card, especially when the host least expects it.
“You might get a thank-you email and 10 minutes later it’s deleted,” says Post. But when someone receives a personal note, “you’ll probably put it on the counter or table and it will sit there and remind you of the person who sent it”.
Blurring of lines
After-work drinks, dinners with clients, off-site events and business trips with an entertainment element all blur the lines between work and play, and require their own approach. One element of this comes in the form of being careful not to let situations become too friendly, while another is the cultural component.
When out with colleagues at the local watering hole, Post advises it is helpful to keep in mind that you still have a professional relationship to guard. “That’s always the litmus test as to whether or not the venue, the joke or the conversation is okay. If you might be embarrassed or have to backtrack the next day,” he says, “then it is best to stay on the safe side.”
Where things get particularly tricky is when cultural nuances need to be taken into consideration. Steven Parkinson, a learning consultant at TMA World, a global training company that helps organisations to generate competitive advantage through cross-cultural effectiveness, explains that irrespective of where a person is travelling to, or where guests are coming from, “you need to do your homework”.
In some parts of the world, he says, “particularly Asia and the Middle East, business is about building relationships before a deal is even discussed. Hospitality, events and entertaining are all a part of that.” As a result, understanding the way that socialising happens and where it happens in different parts of the world will make travellers better equipped to respond appropriately.
For instance, “in many Middle Eastern countries, this often happens over lavish dinners and spouses are rarely invited. You would also rarely be invited to someone’s home. Contrast that with the US or Australia, where barbecues with friends and colleagues are common. On the other hand, in France, Italy and Spain, lunches are the principal way to socialise for business purposes, whereas in Japan you might have a multiple-course dinner at a very fancy Japanese restaurant, followed by a late evening out.”
At the same time, socialising can involve gift giving, itself an exercise in cultural understanding, “because it’s not just about the relationship, but about local and legal limitations,” says Parkinson. In the US, lavish gifts can be seen as a form of bribery. In the UK, they are sometimes discouraged for fear of improperly swaying business decisions. However, in the UAE “there is a stark contrast where much more effort and thought goes into choosing any kind of gift,” and in Japan gifts are very common practice, but understanding the hierarchy of the team is crucial to giving the appropriate gift.
Etiquette can seem like a complicated task, but at the end of the day, says Parkinson, “you have to understand that there are different approaches and make sure you are as informed as possible so that you are proactive rather than stumbling into mistakes”. As Post explains: “Etiquette is a ‘how’; it’s not an ‘if’. In the game of life, building successful relationships is one of our major goals, and that is what etiquette is all about.”
