[canucklad]

Well SallyBrownHJ,
My first instinct was too immediately, to use a Scottish colloquium” dinggey” your request. Much easier for me to avoid thinking about my past love, who I adored and still miss. Indulging in that very limiting exercise of self-pity by wallowing my wounds in the salts of sorrow, is a past time I usually side step. But as read other contributions and as I write this, the radio is blaring out Phyllis Nelsons classic “Move closer”

So things I miss, because of my chosen career…….things like,
Appreciating her velvet smooth skin that led to passionate Friday night’s, into late Saturday mornings as we squeezed in a week’s full affection into my all too short weekend visits, whilst the kids visited their father……then on their return, thoroughly immersing myself into their enthusiasm, their naughtiness, their innocence and at the end of the weekend feeling young again in the only way you can do experiencing life through a child’s eyes. And all too soon my exhausted soul, was happy to be sipping wine in seat 1A on BD6 2 winging its way back to LHR.

Whilst I was away I’d, take time out from my schedule to seek and send each of the kids their own personal postcards from near and far with a narrative of true stories of where I happened to be laying my hat that week. …….Much to the posties annoyance, as the kids would seek out and pester the poor chap as they looked for the latest tale……In my mind was this to educate my little gems or was it selfish indulgence on my part, a sort of therapeutic guilt removing endeavour.
In the same light ,was the regular evening catch ups and the trivial facebooking with my beloved, t more for me, or was it for her re-assurance.

But, as I sit here, taking a break from my work, blankly staring out a window at yet another almost foreign vista ( Newcastle) I’ve reflected back on less lonelier times ,and I feel it’s my duty to my fellow travellers on this site, to raise a word of warning.

Blindingly ,and probably through my deep love , intensified by cramming a week’s full of relationship into 2 days, week in , week out I walked straight into the “taking everything for granted” land of selfish liberation . When I challenged her, I thoughtlessly and recklessly ,as it turns her took her word that all was good.

When she said, she finally admitted that she couldn’t live in 2 worlds; the damage was pretty much done. I had assumed that we would grow old together, never realising that from her perspective, we weren’t living together at all……. Looking back at the last months, I should have picked up on the moans about getting the kids ready for school, not socialising with her friends as much as she craved, et, etc.

Ironically, the things I did to stay in touch, actually re-enforced in her mind, her during the week normal life, and our unreal perfect weekend life…..So my advice, never take your partner for granted, because yet again gentleman, I’ve learnt the hard way, do you truly know how a woman’s mind works.

So well done Sally, next stop the Samaritans… : )

[Tim2soza]

– What do you find most difficult about the ‘transition’ from work to home when you’ve been away?

Jetlag is the main problem, with the need to catch up on sleep. Then comes the backlog of jobs to do at home, coupled to an overdraft of school runs and Dad taxis. I have on more than one occasion come off the plane, arrived home, collected a child and back into the car. The dogs want walking too, which is always good therapy for recovering time zones. And then the desire to give the Mrs some well earned downtime. She’s had it hard while I’m away. And everyone wants to talk, whereas my business trips have long periods of solitude; That takes adjustment. And all before the next Monday morning!

– Do you have ground rules that work for you (eg no weekend travel, never missing the kids birthdays?) How easy is it to stick to them?

I prefer to fly out on a Saturday to half flight costs, and use Sunday to get some of the jetlag out of the way. Video Skype has mitigated the physical separation greatly. Missing kids birthdays is usually a big no, no. Missing the wedding anniversary also not cricket.

– Do you feel a pressure to always bring home a present?

When the kids were younger, Yes. I am now a courier service for all the things they order on Amazon and have delivered to the US office, free of taxes. (I have Amazon Prime on both sides of the pond.)

– Do you feel your other half understands that your trips are hard work (even if you fly business class/stay in nice hotels)?

Yes. I am very lucky in that the Mrs is totally understanding, both of me and my travel. I also understand it is harder work for her when I am away. I do the morning school runs when at home for example. I try to compensate by getting more domestic help in while away, and the children are heavily bribed to help Mum out.

– Who do you feel gets the best deal in the relationship – you or the person who stays at home?

50:50. I work silly hours and get little sleep when travelling. Rarely is there any down time when away. She recently did a mini break to NYC with child #2, BA Club World and same hotel chain. She saw directly my travelling life, albeit without the business piece in the middle of the trip.

– Has your travel schedule ever ended or caused major problems in a relationship? Or is it a positive aspect of your relationship?

No it hasn’t caused many problems; we tend to plan my trips around the family diary to minimise disruptions. I am away for about 8 weekends a year which is a pain, but the Mrs is also away running Scout camps, so that’s fine. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so coming home is always a joy.

[MrDarwin]

Hi Sally, this will hopefully prove to be an interesting piece. Here’s my experience. I’m engaged, have no children with no plans for any either.

– What do you find most difficult about the ‘transition’ from work to home when you’ve been away? Eg everyone wanting your attention when you’re jet lagged/exhausted? Leaving stress of difficult trip behind you? Feeling like a ‘spare part’ in the family? Not having room service?…… Jet lag is awful and I seem to suffer immensely. Getting home to an excited partner who wants to chat, catch up, go out, stay in, do everything – and I am tired, jet lagged and even though I’m excited to be home and see him too, the tiredness reigns which just makes me feel guilty! It’s a vicious circle… My trips are almost exclusively long haul and a minimum of 2 weeks. It’s hard to catch up when all you’ve done is work, eat and sleep for a couple of weeks. You haven’t seen anyone socially or done many interesting things that you didn’t already share 5 times on facetime – so it’s hard to catch up when you’re tired and don’t have much to say. As for no room service – thank goodness!! I love coming home and cooking! I’m lucky to work at home most of the time when in the UK so am well practiced at separating work and home life. I also miss my friends. I find it harder to keep in touch with them and their lives when away a lot, so it’s as if their lives have been on pause since I last saw them which obviously isn’t true, and sometimes I get the feeling that life has moved on a bit without me and I have catching up to do.

– Do you have ground rules that work for you (eg no weekend travel, never missing the kids birthdays?) How easy is it to stick to them?…. generally speaking yes I try and travel on week days and be home on Fridays if they are regular trips back and forth somewhere. For less frequent longer term travel, especially when travelling east, sometimes I have to leave on a Saturday. I would never miss a birthday or a special occasion at home, I always plan my work around these and state important dates to clients up front and well in advance so they are fully aware of my commitments at home. Work is never more important than special occasions.

– Do you feel a pressure to always bring home a present?…. sometimes. I like to get treats, never tacky souvenirs. I did spot a heart shaped box of chocolates in duty free last week and laughed at the cliched corniness of it all.

– Do you feel your other half understands that your trips are hard work (even if you fly business class/stay in nice hotels)?…. hard work, definitely – we speak daily on face time or skype so he’s heard ALL about it. There’s less sympathy for flying around in business class however, even though it definitely isn’t as glam as some people expect. He did come out on a business trip with me once where I was staying in a beach resort for a month which worked out really well and gave him some great insight into my work trips, however the destinations are not usually places where he could occupy himself sufficiently during the day for a whole week, so being joined on business trips is rarely feasible, and besides – we’d rather go away somewhere together where I wasn’t working!

– Who do you feel gets the best deal in the relationship – you or the person who stays at home? Neither, really. I’d love to be at home more often and he’d like the adventure of going away. I do get excited about going on trips to new countries or places before, but miss my life when away (especially on weekends which depending on the location and company, can vary from being amazing new experiences to a real challenge in keeping oneself occupied).

– Has your travel schedule ever ended or caused major problems in a relationship? Or is it a positive aspect of your relationship?…. ebbs and flows between the two really. Sometimes it’s great to have a little time apart and other times there are things going on where it would be better if I were home. No major problems though and it’s never come close to ending a relationship. We just understand that it’s part of my job and with moderation and regular holidays in between (I take around 2 months a year off) it works well for us.

[AlexSing]

Married for two years, have a 7 month old.

– What do you find most difficult about the ‘transition’ from work to home when you’ve been away?

I’ve always travelled throughout our relationship and therefore we have not known any different. Having a seven month old can be a little sad because a lot of changes happen during the course of a week but my wife is fantastic at videoing and whatsapping and we regularly Skype.

– Do you have ground rules that work for you (eg no weekend travel, never missing the kids birthdays?) How easy is it to stick to them?

We have no ground rules but I do try to not miss weekends if at all possible. Her mum often comes to stay if I do a big trip like Europe or the US.

– Do you feel a pressure to always bring home a present?

Yes but I have always not done so because once the precedent is set ….. When I go to the UK or the US my wife orders a mountain of stuff from online shopping so I don’t feel bad!

– Do you feel your other half understands that your trips are hard work (even if you fly business class/stay in nice hotels)?

Yes, I deliberately got her to come on several trips to understanding what a business trip involves and that I am generally back at the hotel at 11pm and up at 7am. She had a couple of terrible trips and now understands!

– Who do you feel gets the best deal in the relationship – you or the person who stays at home?

Both – I really love to travel and my wife actually quite likes the fact that I am away so she can go to bed early and do whatever she likes.

– Has your travel schedule ever ended or caused major problems in a relationship? Or is it a positive aspect of your relationship?

As above, I think it has actually been pretty positive. We got married late and were both single for a long time – I think the fact that I travel for 8 to 10 days a month actually helps our relationship. Plus we have a mountain for miles for nice holidays.

[jazzcharley]

Hi Sally, happy to contribute.

I take the red-eye from LHR to EDI every Monday morning and return late on Thursday afternoons. I immediately go out again as I have a regular appointment to get to, not even giving me time to eat. So I’m really only ‘home’ on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

– What do you find most difficult about the ‘transition’ from work to home when you’ve been away? Eg everyone wanting your attention when you’re jet lagged/exhausted? Leaving stress of difficult trip behind you? Feeling like a ‘spare part’ in the family? Not having room service?

Well, I’m married, but our children have all grown up and don’t live at home, so really it only is the long-suffering MrsJ who is affected. Jet-lag is not a problem as I’m only dflying domestically. We’ve developed a routine around this: often on Thursdays she will go out with a girlfriend. However, Fridays are mainly ‘our’ time, as she does not work on Fridays at all, and I work from home, in a relatively unstressed fashion. We clean the house and do the shopping together and almost always go out to eat on Friday evenings. Otherwise I’ll cook for us both.

– Do you have ground rules that work for you (eg no weekend travel, never missing the kids birthdays?) How easy is it to stick to them?

Yes. No weekend travel unless it’s together. No exceptions.

– Do you feel a pressure to always bring home a present?
Not at all, although I occasionally bring home a surprise gift, or get something (usually cosmetics) from duty free that MrsJ has specifically asked for. When this current project ends my miles and points are going to pay for three weeks in NZ, something we’re both really looking forward to.

– Do you feel your other half understands that your trips are hard work (even if you fly business class/stay in nice hotels)?

Yes; I think so; on the odd occasion, instead of flying home, I’ll pay (out of my pocket) for her to fly up and spend the weekend with me. This is nice, because I don’t get to see it on my own, ever (except for the insides of restaurants).

– Who do you feel gets the best deal in the relationship – you or the person who stays at home?

I know I do, and I try to make it up with extra attention (I am the sort of person who has to consciously work at this though)

– Has your travel schedule ever ended or caused major problems in a relationship? Or is it a positive aspect of your relationship?

It’s certainly been difficult on occasion; for three years I had to live in Paris, while Mrs J was in the UK and working (it would not have been practical for her to come with me). This was hard: I couldn’t afford (and neither would my company pay) for me to go home to the UK every weekend, so we would often be apart for weeks at a time. However, we managed to organize for her to take extended unpaid leave and live in Paris with me for six months (April through October) towards the end of my stay there – that cost us a lot of money, but it would have been worth it at ten times the price.

All in all, though, it’s a relief when a long-term project comes to an end, and I can spend perhaps a month or so working locally (mostly from home) – at which point I become a house-husband, taking MrsJ to work, and doing all the cooking for instance. I like that!

[SallyBrownHJ]

I’d like to thank everyone who commented on this for their valuable insights. Also I’d like to include some some comments as direct quotes attributed to your forum names in the feature. If anyone would rather not be quoted, please let me know. Happy Easter. Sally

[Globalti]

Have you enough material or do you mind some additional comments?

I travel very little compared with some contributors; about five trips a year of up to two weeks to Africa or sometimes eastern Europe.

The most difficult part of the transition is the separation from family and friends and the rupture in home routine. As I age the allure of the business trip has waned and it has now become a stressful inconvenience. The last few days before departing feel like the last few days before going back to boarding school. Trips are increasingly stressful thanks to airports and traffic in African cities. Places like Nairobi are hell to visit and now no better than Lagos. During a trip normal life goes “on hold” and the customers themselves are the only real pleasure, although with advancing age I find I am increasingly tired as the fortnight progresses, especially on a busy multi-city trip with flights and five or six meetings crammed into most days.

A major inconvenience is that I’m a fit road cyclist and although one week of enforced rest and good hotel food is a great recovery from athletic tiredness, two weeks is too long and cardio-vascular fitness and muscle tone definitely suffer, while I do put on weight thanks to almost zero calorific output. Hotel gyms are too boring and the equipment uncomfortable, even injurious, and swimming also bores me.

The return home is stressful for different reasons – firstly I have to endure a litany of tales of family woes that seem trivial after you’ve witnessed the life or death struggle that takes place in cities like Lagos or Nairobi. Secondly, as others have mentioned, I am usually given a list of jobs that need doing and can’t understand why some of these have been allowed to await my return… as if I’ve been lounging by a hotel pool with a cold beer in my hand!

Ground rules? I try not to be away for family birthdays.

Presents? No pressure but I sometimes use up spare cash on chocolate or a small souvenir.

Hard work? Oh yes, as a former regional sales manager my wife certainly understands.

The best deal? Me, certainly. I avoid home responsibilities and office drudgery and stay in quite decent hotels while meeting a wide variety of interesting people.

Relationship problems? No, the atmosphere is often better for a few days after my return until we resume old ways and habits. Luckily there is 100% trust between us.

[MartynSinclair]

Globalti – interested in the “major inconvenience” of not being able to exercise properly when you are on your business trip.

I am exactly the opposite, in that I exercise most days when I am travelling by running silly long distances which takes any time between 1 and 4 hours…

Sadly though, whilst it does keep the weight off, it doesn’t do too much for my muscle definition.

I also don’t use the hotel gym’s but have occasionally gone to a Thai boxing class.

As far as finding time, I make sure I do….

[SallyBrownHJ]

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread which will now close. The story will appear in the June issue of BT. Sally

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