I’ve put this list up before but it seems a good opportunity to bring it to the attention of a wider audience….. 🙂
1. Airlines – crude oil prices have fallen by 50%, so it’s way past the time for you to drop the extortionate ‘fuel surcharges’. Also, when your one-way fares are so eye-wateringly expensive, stop griping about your customers using ‘dummy coupons’ to reduce the cost of a trip. Dear Mr Airline CEO, if you were in any other line of business and had to pay for your family to relocate to America, ask yourself what you would do?
2. Airports – this fad of snaking us all through the tax-free shops in order to reach the sanctity of the bar is beyond a joke. Concentrate on making ‘airside’ more user-friendly and efficient. Fear not; people who want to buy stuff will always be able to find the shops.
3. Hotels – don’t make me wait until I have gotten to my room before I become aware of the need to obtain a key/code for the safe; please tell me at check-in. Better still, if you are unable to guarantee the security of my property in your rooms, don’t make me pay for the use of the in-room safe.
4. Car-Hire Co.’s – check the screen-washer bottle is full BEFORE every rental commences and if the parking-brake is now a hidden button please tell me where to find it when handing over the keys. Similarly, if the clutch needs to be engaged whilst I’m in Kama sutra position no. 85 to enable the engine to start, tell me about that, too!
5. My Travel Agent – You have all my details; my seat request, special meal request, frequent-flyer numbers, car hire and hotel preferences. Please feel free to use them accordingly. In every booking I make. That’s how you start to justify your fees.
6. UK Immigration – greet me with a smile and make me feel welcome to be back in my country. You instruct travellers that abuse will not be tolerated, so please return the favour.
7. UK Customs – the free movement of people, goods, services and capital within the EU is enshrined in the evil empire’s rule book so stop carping about the six cartons of cigarettes I’m carrying. I really don’t need an inquisition every time I travel. Nor do I need a lengthy lecture on HMRC’s interpretation of the rules.
8. Governments – stop using flyers as a cash-cow to fund your ever-more ludicrous spending plans. Just quit wasting our money and remember YOU work for US!
9. Barpersons – there is a very strong possibility that your customers will want some ice and a slice (preferably lime!) in their G&Ts; please ensure these items are present behind the bar at all times. The tonic has to be Schweppes; there really is no acceptable substitute. Ever. Also, it has to be from a bottle. Not a syrup spray-gun.
10. Restaurants – what’s with this seemingly obligatory ‘optional service charge’ you insist on adding to my bill? I’ll decide whether the level of service provided merits a tip, thank you very much!