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Business book review: No One Understands You And What To Do About It

24 Jun 2015 by Tom Otley
No one understands you

As author and psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson notes in the opening pages, this book is not about “making a good impression… it’s about coming across the way you intend to“.

As she puts it: “In a world where relationships are everything and no one accomplishes anything alone, could there be anything more important than that?

Well, yes. Understanding yourself and your motivations is probably more important than making them clear to others, and then there’s world peace and curing poverty, but since those will require team work, communication is obviously essential.

The bad news is, we aren’t very good at it. In business terms, research shows that most strategy fails because of implementation.

Months are spent analysing the company’s situation, the environment, the company’s strengths and weaknesses and those of its competitors, the forces acting on it and then when everyone agrees on the new direction comes execution, which often fails.

Why? Often because a large part of execution depends on communicating with the managers and employees and convincing them that the strategy is something they should get behind, and this is where the problems lie.

Yet, invariably this is baffling to those who spent so much time and money on the strategy. Hadn’t they made themselves clear?

As Halvorson quickly tells us, the answer is, no. “The uncomfortable truth is that most of us don’t come across the way we intend. We can’t see ourselves truly objectively, and neither can anyone else.

Halvorson’s aim is to “help you understand how other people really see you and to give you the tools to alter your words and actions (when necessary) so that you can send the signals you want to send“.

She begins by pointing out we are operating under “two very flawed assumptions: first, that other people see you objectively as you are, and, second, that other people see you as you see yourself“.

Astonishing as it may seem, although we think we have made our intentions clear to those around us, psychologists calls this the transparency illusion.

In addition, what we say is largely irrelevant since so much depends on context and from everything that we know or think we know about the person speaking.

The main body of the book walks us through basic psychology, but in a relevant, informative and amusing fashion. So, we have the primacy effect explained (first impressions tend to be the ones people rely on), stereotyping, heuristics, as well as System 1 and System 2 thinking, familiar to those who have read Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking Fast And Slow, reviewed here.

Halvorson helps us understand the different ways people perceive others – the lenses that shape perception, as she terms it:

  • Trust – Are you friend or foe?
  • Power – How much influence do you have over me?
  • Ego – Do you make me feel insecure?

She then gives advice on how to clarify the messages you are sending depending on who you are speaking with. Each chapter also has useful summaries and take-aways. There’s even practical advice on how to repair a damaged reputation.

Whether dealing with your superiors or motivating those you are managing, the book is an easy read and also finishes by giving us advice on how to become a better judge of others – and of yourself.

Admittedly the “seeing yourself clearly” section is literally the last page and a half of the book, but it builds on what has gone before. I suspect the “it’s a topic that really deserves its own book” is a hint to the next one Halvorson will write.

After reading this one, I’m certainly looking forward to it.

Harvard Business Review Press, £20

As author and psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson notes in the opening pages, this book is not about “making a good impression… it’s about coming across the way you intend to“.

As she puts it: “In a world where relationships are everything and no one accomplishes anything alone, could there be anything more important than that?

Well, yes. Understanding yourself and your motivations is probably more important than making them clear to others, and then there’s world peace and curing poverty, but since those will require team work, communication is obviously essential.

The bad news is, we aren’t very good at it. In business terms, research shows that most strategy fails because of implementation.

Months are spent analysing the company’s situation, the environment, the company’s strengths and weaknesses and those of its competitors, the forces acting on it and then when everyone agrees on the new direction comes execution, which often fails.

Why? Often because a large part of execution depends on communicating with the managers and employees and convincing them that the strategy is something they should get behind, and this is where the problems lie.

Yet, invariably this is baffling to those who spent so much time and money on the strategy. Hadn’t they made themselves clear?

As Halvorson quickly tells us, the answer is, no. “The uncomfortable truth is that most of us don’t come across the way we intend. We can’t see ourselves truly objectively, and neither can anyone else.

Halvorson’s aim is to “help you understand how other people really see you and to give you the tools to alter your words and actions (when necessary) so that you can send the signals you want to send“.

She begins by pointing out we are operating under “two very flawed assumptions: first, that other people see you objectively as you are, and, second, that other people see you as you see yourself“.

Astonishing as it may seem, although we think we have made our intentions clear to those around us, psychologists calls this the transparency illusion.

In addition, what we say is largely irrelevant since so much depends on context and from everything that we know or think we know about the person speaking.

The main body of the book walks us through basic psychology, but in a relevant, informative and amusing fashion. So, we have the primacy effect explained (first impressions tend to be the ones people rely on), stereotyping, heuristics, as well as System 1 and System 2 thinking, familiar to those who have read Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking Fast And Slow, reviewed here.

Halvorson helps us understand the different ways people perceive others – the lenses that shape perception, as she terms it:

  • Trust – Are you friend or foe?
  • Power – How much influence do you have over me?
  • Ego – Do you make me feel insecure?

She then gives advice on how to clarify the messages you are sending depending on who you are speaking with. Each chapter also has useful summaries and take-aways. There’s even practical advice on how to repair a damaged reputation.

Whether dealing with your superiors or motivating those you are managing, the book is an easy read and also finishes by giving us advice on how to become a better judge of others – and of yourself.

Admittedly the “seeing yourself clearly” section is literally the last page and a half of the book, but it builds on what has gone before. I suspect the “it’s a topic that really deserves its own book” is a hint to the next one Halvorson will write.

After reading this one, I’m certainly looking forward to it.

Harvard Business Review Press, £20

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