Humour at Homeland Security

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  • Anonymous
    Guest

    OneA
    Participant

    What is the funniest or most ridiculous conversation you have experienced at the US frontier with their usually humourless agents as you remove your passport from its holder, press a thumb on the pad and remove your glasses?
    On entering IAH a couple of years ago, I was greeted (yes!) by a Texan who freely chatted whilst doing the above so I took the opportunity of asking him if anyone actually ticked “yes” on the customs form to declare that the purpose of their visit was to sell drugs, commit industrial espionage or commit acts of terrorism and the like.
    He looked up and replied in a slow Texan drawl…..”You’d be surprised, Sir”!!
    Priceless!


    Charles-P
    Participant

    About five years ago my Belgian wife spent about thirty minutes arguing with an idiot at JFK who told her that Belgium is a 100% French speaking country and therefore why was her Passport in Dutch.


    TominScotland
    Participant

    Best moment? – clearance at Dublin shortly before the Scottish Referendum last year when the Officer delayed us about 10 minutes (it was quiet) to argue the merits of a ‘Yes’ vote. We chose not to argue with him but to keep smiling.

    Lovely officer on duty at LAX last night – no queue and chatted his way through all 4 of our passports in a way that UK Border folk could learn from!!


    seasonedtraveller
    Participant

    This year, on the 23rd April, a young black lady when checking my passport suddenly & loudly sang happy birthday to me in the wonderful deep, rich gospel like tones often heard in the US South!!!

    A great moment which earned her a hearty applause from the security line….


    MartynSinclair
    Participant

    Not sure if this is funny or sad.. but I once behind a chap who was asked to put his right hand on the pad for finger printing. He did so, but the officer was not happy. He was asked again and again the officer was not satisfied. After the 3rd attempt, the officer very rudely asked the passenger if he needed help and if so step aside and he will get a colleague to help him in a few minutes..

    At this point, the man held his right hand up to show he only had 2 fingers, the others having been amputated.

    Rather than an apology, the rude office bawled this guy that he should have told him.

    With wonderful restraint and in a very calm manner… the guy said:

    ‘pity you cant see the missing finger’

    Welcome to America….


    ImissConcorde
    Participant

    Coming out of Phoenix many years ago I was pulled by secuirty for a pat down. The metal stiffners in my collar caused some consternation and had to be removed. As I stood there with my collar up the agent noted “Yuh just jus like Elvis standin’ there”!


    ffidrac
    Participant

    A few years ago, the officer asked me the question what work do you do. So I replied I’m a doctor.
    That evoked the question, what sort of doctor – to which I replied a colorectal surgeon.

    Rather than being being put off by the reply, the officer then started to tell me about their haemorrhoids, asking me what was the best treatment for them, should they have surgery. The immigration process then turned into a full blown medical conversation with the officer, with me gesticulating in trying to explain the nuances of living with haemorrhoids and their anatomy.

    The line behind could see that I was somewhat expressive with my hands and that there was an earnest conversation going on between the office rand myself
    The next person in line caught up with me at the baggage carousel and said that I appeared to be having a hard time with the officer, and everyone was getting concerned that they would be subjected to a grilling. Maintaining what was now patient confidentiality, I shrugged it off, with them not knowing that in fact it was me who had the control of the situation

    So I was able to have a ‘pile’ of laughs later when I caught up with my fellow surgeons at the meeting I was attending!


    TheRealBabushka
    Participant

    I’d rather the homeland security chaps than those rude idiots at Heathrow security. When TSA agents are more relaxed and less uptight than Heathrow security personnel, you know you’ve got a problem.


    K1ngston
    Participant

    A few years ago I was arriving into Las Vegas direct from LGW and the queues were typical of any US entry point slow but moving.

    When I got to the desk I gave my passport and the first question I was asked was simply ” are you here to spend obscene amounts of money in the casinos” my answer was modest and told the officer I intend to have a good go and doing so, with that there was a sincere smile and a Welcome to the US, whole process 90 seconds a nice welcome indeed to the US of A unlike other ports of entry!


    Carajillo2Sugar
    Participant

    Does this suggest you have wives of other nationalities?

    “Charles-P – 04/09/2015 10:44 BST

    About five years ago my Belgian wife spent about thirty minutes arguing with an idiot at JFK who told her that Belgium is a 100% French speaking country and therefore why was her Passport in Dutch.”


    1nfrequent
    Participant

    Back in 2004 I was transiting through SFO en route to HNL and had gone through immigration when a security officer stopped me in the corridor and demanded to see my passport. I handed it over and asked if there was a problem. He didn’t answer but continued flipping through my passport and then said: “You’ve been in the UAE?” I said yes, told him for how long and for what purpose. He then said: “You’ve been in Jordan?” Again, I confirmed that I had and told him for how long and for what purpose.

    He looked me up and down and asked me what I did for a living so I said that I worked as a lawyer and he said: “Contentious or non-contentious?” So I told him non-contentious and started to explain what I actually did, at which point he held up an imperious hand and said: “Mam, I just need you to say contentious or non contentious. Do you have a business card or proof that you work as a lawyer?” As it happened, I didn’t have any business cards on my but I did have my Law Society card which included my enrolment number and told him I was happy if he needed to check it on line. He then held up an imperious hand again and told me that I was free to go.”

    To this day I have no idea why the guy stopped me or what he hoped to get from the experience.

    More recently I arrived at MCO in March for the start of a theme park-based holiday and was called forward by the immigration officer who asked me the purpose of my visit. I explained that I was on vacation at which point he quizzed me on where I was going, so I gave him the full details, at which point he asked again who I was travelling with and I said I was on my own. He looked at me like I was stark staring bonkers and repeated: You’re on your own?” as if this had never once happened to him ever. I then had to explain that I often vacationed by myself and had never had a problem before. I then had to tell him which hotels I had booked and after each one he said “And you’re staying there on your own?” before he finally waved me through. Truly bizarre. Never had anything like and I hope not to have that problem again.

    1F


    Senator
    Participant

    Not at the US immigration side of US CBP, but with US customs the following conversation took place ca 1998 with a dear friend of mine from Norway (farmer’s boy) and one of the custom agents as my friend was stopped with a salted, dried leg of lamb (Norwegian delicacy)…

    Customs: “You are aware that bringing meat into the US is illegal?”
    Friend: “No, I wasn’t”.
    Customs: “Well now you are, and it is a serious offence”
    Friend: “Isn’t there any way around this”?
    Customs: “Well, with a statement of clean bill of health from a veterinary we could have made an exception”.
    Friend: “Well, the last time I saw this specific sheep it look ok. But I guess now it has a limp”.

    Not a flinch of smile from customs agent. How he had the stomach to pull a joke like this is beyond me, but it remains one my favourite travel tales of all time 🙂

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