The relationship factor

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  • Anonymous
    Guest

    SallyBrownHJ
    Participant

    Hello I’m a freelance journalist and regular contributor to Business Traveller magazine.

    I’m currently researching a feature for an upcoming issue on the effect on family relationships of frequent travel. I’m looking for real-life insights into the impact that frequent travel has on significant relationships (positive and negative) and what has helped to make it work.

    All comments welcome but here’s a few questions to think about. Thanks. Sally.

    – What do you find most difficult about the ‘transition’ from work to home when you’ve been away? Eg everyone wanting your attention when you’re jet lagged/exhausted? Leaving stress of difficult trip behind you? Feeling like a ‘spare part’ in the family? Not having room service?

    – Do you have ground rules that work for you (eg no weekend travel, never missing the kids birthdays?) How easy is it to stick to them?

    – Do you feel a pressure to always bring home a present?

    – Do you feel your other half understands that your trips are hard work (even if you fly business class/stay in nice hotels)?

    – Who do you feel gets the best deal in the relationship – you or the person who stays at home?

    – Has your travel schedule ever ended or caused major problems in a relationship? Or is it a positive aspect of your relationship?


    Falcon7x
    Participant

    Hi Sally,

    Great article subject.

    I’m married with two kids (3 and 11), and I find that the major strain is with all the responsibility that is suddenly thrown onto my wife for the 7-12 days that I am away, and the reverse when I get home. Normally when I return, I am jetlagged and a bit spaced out after having no family responsibilities for the period, so I find it a struggle to get going, when it is assumed that I can just slot back into family life. My wife is generally VERY good at understanding that business travel is not all glitz and glamour, however, she doesn’t let me rest for too long!!

    As for ground rules, I will always try to be home for weekends and birthdays/special occasions, but sometimes this doesn’t happen. Company budgets sometimes take the priority over the ‘no weekend travel’ policy so that I can travel on a Saturday and get a cheaper ticket.

    Occasionally I have to route myself on less favourable flights in order to get home at better times (i.e. LAX-YYZ-LHR, rather than LAX-LHR), but you do what you can to make the kids happy, right?

    Presents? Not any more, I used to for the first 5 years, then realised I was just buying them as I felt guilty – what my wife and kids really want is their husband/dad, so now i just try to be better at that when I get back!

    Overall, I would say that the travel (approx 3-4months a year) is a positive thing for us. It gives us space to grow individually and gives us plenty to talk about. It makes me appreciate my wife more, and I try to make the most of the time I have at home with my family.


    Charles-P
    Participant

    Sally – what will you be paying the people here for their contribution to your article ?


    SallyBrownHJ
    Participant

    Thanks Falcon7x and good to hear that travel is ultimately a positive aspect of your relationship.


    MrMichael
    Participant

    Hello Sally,

    I don’t want paying, happy to help for nothing.

    My travel tends to be regular but short stints, one or two nights a week unless an emergency occurs that can take me away at a moments notice for up to a week. I have two children, 13 and 16, both girls so it gives the girls and MrsM plenty of time talk about the things I don’t want to talk about. I do my very best to be home for Birthdays, and school parents evenings. Unless an emergency crops up I do not travel at those times. If an emergency does occur a little tension can occur but it is short lived.

    I never bring back presents for the kids…..the exception being our annual holiday without the kids in which they do get a present. I should add, we also have an annual holiday with the kids. The last time I did take them a present back I was told it was uncool, they prefer cash.

    I think because of the shortness of my trips, and the odd emergency, family life does not suffer too much. I stay in touch daily, make sure I spend quality time with the kids, and ensure I put my family life ahead of work.

    Given they are two teenage girls they generally consider me to be a dinosaur that should travel considerably more…..ideally on a single ticket!


    SallyBrownHJ
    Participant

    Thanks MrMichael. The holiday without the kids is an interesting one. Probably what every relationship needs but hard to do when you already spend time away from the children. Would you recommend it?


    MrMichael
    Participant

    That’s a real tough question. We have only done it the last couple of years. I think any relationship takes effort by both to be fresh, exciting and lasting. MrsM and I value our time together without the kids, it lets us do what we want without having to wait until they fly the nest.

    I was rather late to fatherhood, and two teenage girls are in many ways my worse fears come true. That time away with MrsM, (we had a month in Australia earlier this year) allow us to have quality time together and for me a break from two adolescent teens. We miss them, but it gives them some motivation to do well at school, get good jobs and emulate our (and their) desire to explore our amazing and diverse world. It fits in well with their Gran who moves lock stock and barellfrom Cumberland to SW London for a month where she can explore London during the day, and mother her grandchildren in the evenings and weekends. It gives the girls a sense of trust, responsibility and independence as they swear blind they spend a month looking after Granny.

    It is also excellent as Granny spring cleans the house for us!


    LuganoPirate
    Participant

    Hi Sally,

    I’m married with two boys, 11 and 15. I still travel a fair bit and mostly alone but they all accept this as it’s a part of my life and my living. Mrs. LP says she misses me but i think she’s secretly glad to see the back of me for a week or two, though we both agree that absence really does make the heart grow fonder!

    I’m also fortunate that my work allows me to work from home so I can fit my day around taking the boys to golf or taking the boat out on the lagoon where they can knee board and so on.

    I suppose the loneliness kicks in in the evenings and at weekends when away and you see other families out and about together, but I’ve kind of got used to it now so it does not really bother me. I’m also quite fortunate in that I’m quite social so get to meet people and strike up conversations with them quite easily.

    As for presents the first thing I’m asked is “what have you bought us daddy” and they’re quite happy even if it’s just a few chocolates from the lounge and a postcard of the plane I was on. My eldest boy always on the lookout for the latest gadget will research if it’s cheaper where I’m traveling to and I must confess I do give in sometimes such as on my last trip to London when he got the new iPhone!

    Thanks to the Internet we keep in touch by Skype or Facetime and I enjoy seeing their faces and they enjoy me showing them the room and the view!


    MartynSinclair
    Participant

    Not sure if this is what you are looking for – but this discussion goes back to 2011..

    http://www.businesstraveller.com/discussion/topic/An-unusually-personal-post?page=1


    Tom Otley
    Keymaster

    Thank you for digging that out – I looked but couldn’t find it!


    Falcon7x
    Participant

    MrMichael – I completely agree with you, one holiday with the kids and one with just the Mrs. MrsF7x had a week in Porto last year and Barcelona the year before, Los Angeles the year before that….she sees those holidays as her reward for me spending time away. I also enjoy sending her off to her parents in Spain 2 or 3 times a year for a long weekend on her own….got to spend those Avios somehow!

    LuganoPirate – agreed with you also, loneliness can strike sometimes, especially in family orientated places like Orlando, but FaceTime/Skype always remedy those feelings.

    One key thing to consider is having an understanding and flexible company to work for. I was in Saudi 18months ago and my mum had a heart attack back in the UK; my company couldn’t be more helpful in getting me back asap – my ‘life’ situation came first, business came second. I know that I couldn’t do the travel if my company was inflexible and just saw me as an asset and a number.

    Overall, you have to be sure that the benefits of your travel outweigh the costs; so long as the maths works out, then I’ll continue to do it.


    K1ngston
    Participant

    SallyBrownHJ good article, I am afraid I don’t have positive comments, I am currently going through my second divorce and on the back of the breakdown of my current relationship, summing up it has been to excessive travel as I have gone up the corporate ladder!

    I have 3 wonderful children, ranging 25, 22 and 16 who are balanced adorable children, but I always regret the time away from them as I strove for the corporate dollar to ensure they had things that I never had.

    It is always difficult when travelling great distances to slot back into the family unit which does put pressure on. Jet lag and demands on your time through timezones when managing a global organisation have made the situation worse!

    The advent of the smart phone when email was readily available to “read” also made things more difficult.

    I guess when I look back on my professional career I will be able to say I was successful but at what cost!!!


    stevescoots
    Participant

    – What do you find most difficult about the ‘transition’ from work to home when you’ve been away? EG everyone wanting your attention when you’re jet lagged/exhausted? Leaving stress of difficult trip behind you? Feeling like a ‘spare part’ in the family? Not having room service?
    I have been travelling to Asia and back rotating in and out every 3 weeks for past 6 years. We have never had difficulty in transition. Of course always looking for the miracle cure for jet lag but we both accept it goes with the territory. I don’t miss anything about being away when at home, except the climate! Most of my friends and family comment at how fast I adjust, like I have not been away. I get grounded fast, usually with a list of DIY items or the grass needs cutting the day after getting home.

    – Do you have ground rules that work for you (EG no weekend travel, never missing the kids birthdays?) How easy is it to stick to them?
    No ground rules at all, however as I am adjusting back to the time zone I always do the housework in the morning. I am up at 4am to catch Asia still at work, once they go to lunch and the emails stop I tidy the house, put the washing on etc. it gives she who must be obeyed a rest, I also find it cathartic to clear my head of one side of the world before engaging UK side come 9am

    – Do you feel a pressure to always bring home a present?
    Never, I get given a list so there is no pressure!!! Lol

    – Do you feel your other half understands that your trips are hard work (even if you fly business class/stay in nice hotels)?
    Yes, they understand that in the world we live in now there is very little chance of a local job, and that we chose together to do this as opposed to relocate to Hong Kong or the mainland. She flies business class with me 2 or 3 times a year and understands whilst its up from economy its no-where near as glamourous or comfortable as people think and that actually lounges are boring places!

    – Who do you feel gets the best deal in the relationship – you or the person who stays at home?
    I would say I get the best deal, I do what I love doing (most of the time!) however at home they also realize that if it was not this way we would not have the lifestyle we have

    – Has your travel schedule ever ended or caused major problems in a relationship? Or is it a positive aspect of your relationship?

    At first it was difficult as I was away so much, I overcame that part by bringing her along as much as possible to see what I do and how I live. I think we both agree that after 26 years of marriage if I was home every night we would most definatly have called it a day, or killed each other. It has absolutely been a positive to us.


    SallyBrownHJ
    Participant

    Thanks to all for your comments – thought-provoking stuff.
    MartynSinclair- thanks for the link to that past discussion. V honest account of how isolating travel can be. Something that may not always be acknowledged by partners left home (who may be caught up in their own ‘might as well be a single parent’ resentment).
    Organising regular trips with the other half seems to be a positive solution- if only as Stevescoots points out to dispell the idea that flying (even business class) is glamorous!
    K1ngston thanks for the reality check that sometimes separation ultimately undermines a relationship.

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