VintageKrug - 04/07/2009 18:09 GMT
Thorsten is a star.
That is to say he has his own show. On cable TV. In New Jersey.
And he has his own website. Surely you have heard of it - after all it is the "global authority on award winning establishments".
Using his proximity to Newark as as a springboard to unleash himself upon an unsuspecting world, he trots round the most exclusive hotels and first class cabins.
He is only limited by his photoshop abilities, the quality of the publicly available promo shots and the easy availability of advertorial copy which, especially in the early years, littered his reports.
Thorsten, entrepreneur, connoisseur and gourmet, is accompanied sometimes by his loving wife (isn't mail order great!), and sometimes by a chap who bears a remarkable resemblance to Josef Fritzl, and also wears the same wedding ring as our hero.
Especially look out for the group shots of the hotel staff; some have liberally quaffed the Kool Aid and believe him to be genuine, but in some of them you can see a definite "what an idiot" look which needs no translation, however exotic the destination being covered.
Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy the acquired taste which is Seven Stars and Stripes:
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com
Brilliant, VintageKrug. This guy has been lurking around the 'net for a few years, and has actually managed to sucker a few airlines and hotels into his dream world! Scary, or what?! I remember a review he did a few years ago on BA - he got the wrong terminal, spa, seat config and even did a bad job at the photoshopping. Clearly he didn't travel as so much was pulled from old articles, reviews and press releases. His wine descriptions were stunning - so stunning, in fact, he pulled them verbatim from someone else's website! Hmmmmm.
VintageKrug - 28/07/2009 10:36 GMT
Thorsten has now graced Moscow with his presence:
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com/Magazine.asp?pagetoshow=content/Magazine/Swissotel-Krasnye-Holmy-Moscow/index&sl=124,125,126,127,128
It appears he travelled without his wife this time, preferring to take along the aforementioned Fritzl-lookalike, also know as his “business partner, Edmund”.
Classic lines in this edition include:
“I took advantage of the trained hands of the ‘unpacking and packing lady butler’, and highly recommend this optional service; especially for the packing part”. He was obviously missing his lady wife considerably. Though quite what the “lady butler” was packing is not specified.
“After a good nights sleep, and a pot of fabulous Swiss coffee while wrapped in my customized, white embroidered bathrobe (customized for frequent guests), I meet with Edmund for breakfast in Café Swiss”. Let us hope he changed out of his bathrobe for his liaison with Edmund.
Lots of lovely photos nicked from the website, large parts of the text copied and pasted from googled articles as ever and quite a few pics of p*ssed off bellhops carrying the ghastly gold luggage from someone else’s Rolls Royce.
Another priceless read!
VintageKrug - 04/12/2009 11:03 GMT
More delights from Thorston, who has deigned to bless Hawai'i with his personage:
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com/magazine.asp?pagetoshow=content/magazine/Kahala/index&sl=
"We flew Los Angeles – Hawaii, where our limo driver received us at the airport with a gracious but flower-less welcome and offered no help to get our luggage from the belt. We were surprised at least, but decided not to let the first impression affect our vacation. We arrived after a pleasant ride at The Kahala Hotel and Resort and immediately became immersed in a location to die for."
A shame he didn't follow through on that recommendation....
Seems the resort was not to his liking, not meeting his stringent criteria:
".........the staff will most likely not address you by your name nor will your wish be their command."
Next stop, Thorsten ventures onto the Vice Dens of Thailand, which no doubt will indeed fulfil his criteria for satisfaction, at least until he runs out of $20 bills.
This Thorsten is so up his own backside. Humph. Didn't The Kahala used to be a Mandarin Oriental property? How do GMs etc fall for the likes of him? Strange. One can only hope his visit to Thailand involves his fall into Pat Pong and some dens of vice, big time...
VintageKrug - 25/12/2009 08:13 GMT
One can but hope his rash clears up.
He has recently enjoyed a "jungle facial" in San Jose and inflicted the Gold Luggage photo on another unsuspecting front of house team:
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com/magazine.asp?pagetoshow=content/magazine/tabacon-Resort-SPA/2009/index&sl=111,112,113
Thorsten particularly enjoyed "being battered with an organic, detoxifying and exfoliating mud".
I wonder if they followed through with the whole boiling oil treatment?
VintageKrug - 16/02/2010 13:51 GMT
Latest action packed adventure is a foray onto Iberia Business Plus, en route to aforementioned Jungle Facial in Costa Rica.
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com/content/airline/IBERIA-Business-Class-PLUS/IBERIA-Business_Class-Thorsten_Buehrmann.jpg
Highlights include the crew who thankfully "welcomed him warm" (one wonders what he would have done had they been dead on entering the cabin, especially so early on in the flight).
I was almost aroused by his description of the breadbasket activities "Trained hands with serving tools were safely reaching into the warm breadbasket..." - surely he missed his true calling as a contributor to the letters pages of Penthouse magazine.
And finally we also learn that it is "bite-seized things, which make all the difference".
I'll know to keep well clear of his gnashers should I ever bump into him at 30,000 feet!
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com/airline.asp?pagetoshow=content/airline/IBERIA-Business-Class-PLUS/index&sl=
flatbedfan - 16/02/2010 19:06 GMT
genuinely hilarious, thanks VK. May I ask do you have a handle on flyertalk, some of your posts seem similar to ones on there? (Some people on this forum would say its because you just regurgitate BA press releases ;) )
Hess963 - 20/02/2010 17:26 GMT
So--really--our VK ? hmm....!!
VintageKrug - 28/12/2010 20:37 GMT
Oh dear, he's been at it again, this time photoshopped into a Singapore Airlines Business Class seat:
www.sevenstarsandstripes.com/airline.asp?pagetoshow=content/airline/SingaporeAirlines/index&sl=#javascript
Highlights include:
'Somehow the deep carpets swallowed up all noise'
'breads served with the appropriate tool'
'Different kinds of a fine cold pressed'
'maybe just a nuance more'
'the menu items are prix fixed'
'To my surprise, the mission was successfully accomplished'
'wine that was recommended during dinner was eloquently removed'
